The Angry Gnome

Today I will be sober for over 40 days, not one relapse, which I am proud of. Also today I will be single for one year with no intimate liaisons to cloud my judgement. I am on a healthy diet, with low sodium and low fat. Also I am getting a good amount of exercise which keeps my energy and spirits lifted most of the time.

This being said can someone please tell me where the Angry Gnome comes from. I wake up with him from time to time, more often these days. He whispers in my ear things like "That was not fair the way your friend treated you", "Why are people repeating themselves, they must think you are stupid or deaf." "When people use the words 'You Know' repeatedly, they are just lying to you." "The boss treats you like a work horse while he sits and watches because he thinks you are too stupid for anything except for poorly paid manual labor." Most days I can kick this little Bugger to the side, but lately he has been very persistent. These are the days I spend alone, or do not answer the phone.

I wonder if the Angry Gnome was always there and I just kept him drunk most of the time, or maybe busy being in love. He never ate right, rarely exercised. Maybe now that I am clear headed so is he. Either way I don't like him. I have always tried to see the positive side of people, and even make excuses for their bad behavior. If the Angry Gnome is right, then the truth won't set us free, it will blind us with fear and uncertainty.

So given that statement, if the Angry Gnome is right I would need to clearly state when situations feel unfair to me at the risk of being called a bitch and in hopes that they can be rectified maturely. What about the past anger though that the little bastard keeps harping on. Certainly we cannot fix the past. He is right that the past never leaves us even when we think it is gone, in one brief moment, unknowingly it again becomes an open wound.

Should I let the little bastard hang out for awhile and see how it goes? Tell off every person who has let me down, lied to me, made empty promises or even worse (which I hate the most) unwanted sexual advances. Or do I continue to live over the rainbow where everyone has my best interest at heart, no one ever speaks behind your back, everyone works as a team for the common interest, where there is loyalty, faith and hope.

Just a Query...

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

My Dogs Treat Me Better Than You

Since my sobriety I have noticed somethings that I had overlooked before. Mostly how poorly people treat each other. We learn to interact with Men and Women through many circumstances as we grow into adults. However most of our people skills are learned from our parents and grandparents. Try to stay with me on this one.

I was taught the following:
-Treat people with dignity and respect and they will show you the same.
-If you say you will do something, Do it.
-If you are invited to an occasion (wedding, birthday, dinner, etc...) Say "Yes Thank You" or "I can't make it, Thank You" Do not leave others waiting on your account.
-If someone is in need, assist them
-Never Gossip
-Never tell anyone what they "Should" do, it is belittling
-Do not use guilt to get what you want
-Accept gifts and compliments as if they were treasures and make sure to say thank you. Not "you shouldn't have" or "I wish you hadn't" It's Rude
-Even when the world craps in your mouth, smile and be thankful you are not the only one on the planet. Smile at strangers, it will change their outlook and yours.
-Be excited to see everyone from your best friend to the clerk at the store.
-When you are angry with someone, state the fact and let it go.
-Never shit on someone Else's life.

In stating these simple things I have learned, you could surmise, that I see allot of people not following the simple rules of courtesy, "Why are people so stupid and ignorant, the world does not revolve around us, it revolves around the sun. I am not the center of the universe and neither are you. If at some point in your life someone told you that you were better than everyone else, well they lied to you."

The rich man is no better than the poor man, the healthy man no better than the sick man, the overweight no better than the skinny, the well educated no better than the ignorant. We all see through a different set of eyes. But the bottom line is no matter what end of the spectrum you find yourself, we all still act upon our basic instinctual needs (the need to be loved and secure, to nourish our bodies, we fear to keep us safe from harm, we accomplish to give us fulfillment, sadly we destroy what we don't understand). I will rewrite the list as my dogs see it, since they are much smarter than any human I know myself included.

-Treat the other dogs, cats, and the human with respect and they will return the favor twice fold
-If it's playtime I'm in
-If I'm invited to go for a ride, I'll get in the car or sit at the door and wait till you are back
-If I see you have fallen I will lick your face and try to bring you the phone, or I will bark until help arrives
-I don't have the time to waste explaining how Fido and Fluffy got stuck together or the way Rex's butt smelled
-It's not my concern how you live your life as long as you love me
-Whining for things never works, I just get ignored
-Give me a treat or a new toy and I will be forever grateful
-Even I know how to smile, and it makes my human and his friends happy
-Sometimes I get yelled at for being too jumpy, but I want visitors to know they are welcome and that I got their backs
-When I'm angry I growl, then I am happy again, why waste time
-I like to leave my shit in the yard or woods where nature can take care of it, not in someone Else's house. That behavior is simply for dumb puppies.

END

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

New Medical Discoveries

Now I can clearly state that in the past 3 years I have been told I was going to die by some idiot in the medical field numerous times, and here I am still with a healthy heart, lungs, low cholesterol, low blood pressure and clean of all STD's. Not to say I don't have my health issues but hell I'm 44.

The thing I find most interesting about this is I don't have insurance. None of my employers have provided it for me in the last 25 years and I could never afford the $500 a month payment to be self insured, let alone any hefty deductible. At this point I have yet to find any immediate government program for health insurance. Most of them take numerous months to get started (SSI, SSD, Medicaid, other NYS affiliated programs). So I pay out of pocket hoping the doctors will be kind as I await the government to decide if I am eligible.

Personally I am getting by with the assistance of Family and a Close friend. But I wonder strongly about the families out there with no coverage, that are unemployed, that have 3 children and a mortgage. Every time one of them gets ill do they get the "Death Sentence" because they were a smoker, a drinker, improperly nourished, had bulimia or AIDS? I know if you are a drug addict or a super alcoholic you can get immediate attention at numerous government funded rehab centers. So what does this tell us.

Instead of smoking cigarettes you should smoke Crack Cocaine until you need assistance and you will get it immediately. Instead of drinking alcohol in moderation you should drink tons of it so you can get assistance. Instead of keeping your pride and holding your family together you should shop at food pantries with other people down on their luck and hope you don't Botulism or other difficulties. I am not by any means judging anyone, I want to make this very clear.

I did not and still am uncertain about the new health care bill being put into place. If the local governments have a hiring freeze at present (Most do) then there is a question of implementation. If it took me 5 months, my current wait time, to get assistance on Medicaid coverage while I am unemployed I question the ability of the local governments to implement this new program for families that need it and also wonder what the reaction from the medical field will be. I wonder how many people have been told they will die in the next few years unnecessarily just because their doctor couldn't rip off the insurance company. Trust me the first time you hear it from your doctor it changes the way your brain works.

I wanted to end there but need to clarify I think. If your doctor tells you that if you do not stop drinking you will die in 2 years, you drink knowing you will die. If you are told smoking will cause your death in 1 year, you continue to enjoy your smoke. If you are told that fast food will be the death of you in 6 months you will eat it and enjoy it. Why stop your one vice so close to your death sentence if there is no advice given as to fixing the problem? If you knew your car was going to fail in a week with no hopes of repair you would drive the hell out of the thing!

Live well and Be Happy!

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

It Makes A Sound Like Thunder

I remember my first crush when I was in Kindergarten, His name was Brian Buzzio. He moved away that first year I was in school and I got a lump in my throat as he got off the bus for the last time. I didn't know why. Being five I didn't understand and have never spoken his name, until now. I wonder sometimes what became of his life, we all have our journeys.

Of course there have been many since Brian. I happened to read an old fable (I guess that's what it would be) And have it quoted below.

"Originally Humans were combined of 4 legs, 4 arms and 2 faces. But Zeus feared them and split them in half, condemning them to spend all eternity looking for their other half to complete them."

Quite a sad but moving story I think. How could the Greek God do such a thing? But then I think again. If the Greek Gods were real and then the business changed hands to the Roman Gods then to the Christian God, maybe no one bothered to change the paper work on that one. So we are all still searching because no one changed the policy.

There is also the theory that we come across our loves in our next life to repair the damage we did the last time around, if you are one to believe in reincarnation. If that's the case I must have been a really good prostitute and have allot to make up for!

I have loved many men and women but gave my heart to one. In someways I watched him ride away on that bus the same as Brian did when I was a child. This time I knew what that lump in my throat was from. So I suppose the question remains for some of us, did we repair what we messed up in our past lives or are we still looking for the part that completes us. Did we in fact get off that bus at the wrong time, or let our friend get off of it instead.

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

Seeing Clearly

I find this a bit difficult to write about but I believe it is something that needs to be stated for whomever may read my blog. As some of you know I am slowly losing my eyesight. This has shown me thus far many fears and frustrations of losing things I had taken for granted every day. I try to be positive but there are days that I am afraid. My biggest fear is to become a burden on friends and family.

So I write this in regards to "Seeing Clearly" as often times we take our friends, family, and other associations for granted. To be clear I have been blessed with those that surround me and often I don't know how that happened. What did I do that someone would actually give a damn. But there they are, unexpected.

I will make it through this, whether I go sightless or if it is repairable. The point is that none of us should ever allow ourselves to get so wrapped up in our own lives that we forget to thank, to love, to give, to celebrate a birthday, to make that phone call, to give that hug, to a friend or family member. If you can't see you won't be able to do those things via phone or email, and in person as you stumble blindly you will lose your pride.

Value what you have and treat it like a treasure before it is lost. See Clearly in your life before you lose what is right in front of you everyday. I recall the saying "Can't see the forest for the trees" that has a whole new meaning now, especially when you can't really see either one.

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

Mathmatics and Love

I had a thought last night while laying on the couch. How special friendships and lovers are. Considering that at this time there are roughly 6,989,719,355 humans living on this planet. What are the mathematical chances of 2 people getting to know one another in a lover or a friendship manner. One would think with a number this large it would be very common. Just so you know that is roughly 7 Billion people. So before I go forward I need you to understand the numbers. I tried on my calculator and can not even figure out how to get the odds of having 2 friends out of 7 billion. Maybe you will have better luck.

So Mathematically we can say most of us don't meet 7 billion people in our lifetime, this makes sense and puts us in a somewhat smaller pond. Then however a question arises. How did I connect with my dear friend who lives on the other side of the world and why? How is it that out of so many on this planet 2 people connect as friends or lovers? If you think of this for too long it will make your head hurt. (I have already been told I think too much, thank God I don't smoke pot).

I can state clearly that the number of persons I have had intimate relations with is near the 5000 mark. (STDs' Zero, Heartbreaks many) So at this point I look at the numbers and can clearly say there are only 3 out of that 5000 I still love and would be willing to give a kidney to. I cannot grasp the number of people I have met while performing over the years or work related interactions, however I will say that I know how many of them remain close friends and have a rough estimate of who would show at my funeral (when the time may come).

So my question to you would be, are we just floating around in this universe like magnets looking for the part that makes us whole or is there a rhyme and reason to our friendships and our lovers?

I suppose finally though, if you have been lucky enough to hit the lottery and find that one person, or those few friends. Realize what you have out of 7 billion persons in the world. Now do the math and make your brain hurt, and tell those people in your life that you love them before they fade away.

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

Snow, Trees, and the Internet

I know I have already written about how beautiful the snow is, and I stick to the philosophy. Being of the technical generation I had forgotten how inconvenient it is though. I watch most if not all my television programs on the web, I do all my banking, pay my bills, even my phone runs through my Internet system. So that being said... When the power goes out, no phone to call a friend or 911, no checking the stock market or the latest news or weather. Forget the banking, automatic payments just cause overdrafts. Another mess to clean up is what it turns into.

I am proud to say that I can still shovel snow. Two packs of cigarettes per day for 32 years add beer on that and I can still shovel with no problems! I think the health department is maybe misinformed a bit. We had 10 inches of very wet snow here, it was a wonderful workout to say the least, but I still did better than a 22 year old.

Trees, I love them, they are down all over the place here and it looks as if we are getting 18-24 inches in the next day or so. I expect to do more sawing by hand (I don't own a chainsaw) lose my Internet and phone connections, lose my electric. I know I sound like I am bitching but hear me out.

Every generation is raised differently, my point being we never relied on the Internet growing up. I have books, playing cards, kerosene lamps, candles, food stockpiled, bullets for the guns. I am ready and prepared for the next round of snow if it is really as bad as they say. Is the younger generation? Did the information handed down really get absorbed? If McDonald's can't open can they still find something to eat?

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

Snowy Day

Did I ever mention how much I love the snow and how romantic I always thought it was. Yes, yes I know all the downsides. It's cold, you have to shovel, the power goes out.... Blah Blah Blah....

I still find it romantic and if it's going to be cold it might as well be pretty out. A wonderful day for house chores if you get the day off I suppose. Even more so a great day to spend with your lover or your children. (I have neither). But a walk in the woods or a sleigh ride still brings the memories of a caring place back from childhood, even if I am doing it alone. There really is something magical about the snow!

Maybe it is a time for reflection, where the world seems quiet. Of course I love the rain as well for similar reasons. Yes it is a moment of quiet beauty that we are forced to see if we chose to look, then the universe will bring spring upon us with flowers blooming, then into summer and fall and another year will pass us. The dead cannot view the cold snowy days, nor can they recall their lovers or their parents or grandparents that took much time with us when we were children. Only the living can do this.

Personally I am grateful for each snowflake and each memory, every scent of a home cooked meal that this white magic brings. Anyone can complain about every season (there is always something) but for one small moment to sit and watch the flakes fall from the sky and recall a time where hope was present is certainly worth all the cold and shoveling, and even the power outages.

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

Your Pack

It has come to my attention in a strange kind of way the difference between Dogs and Humans. Please bear with me while I explain. You will understand by the end of this writing I hope.

Dogs communicate better than we do. I know when to feed my pups, when they are over excited, nervous, curious, happy, content, sadly even when they are horny (so they are all fixed) they let me know in their own way. I wish I could say the same about my human companions. Dogs run in packs, and humans do as well if you can wrap your mind around this one. We as humans have our social groups which would equal a dog pack, our friends, our families.

Interesting though that in the human pack there seems to be a general lack of gratitude. We rarely share our bones, take responsibility for the mistake on the floor, or even get real excited when a buddy catches the ball in their mouth, or are happy that we chased a rabbit together. We don't eat together anymore (rarely), and when the day is done even if we got yelled at we don't forgive and get into the bed and snuggle up to stay warm.

Instead we read email and write back about ourselves, we don't say thank you for sending me the link, the song, the movie. We don't say thanks for thinking of me I needed a friend today. Funny thing though a dog will do it everyday, they somehow find a way to say thank you. When we die a friend will mourn for a few days, his or her dog will mourn the balance of their lives. How embarrassing for the human race that we are not as smart.

Answer me this, is your life so full that you only have space for yourself in your pack? I think you know what I mean.

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!

What We Think We Know

Who in the world taught us that the most important thing to do as a teenager was get our drivers license, go to the prom and then go to college? That when we graduated we would get a job, fall in love, get married and have a family. This has to be the worst living fairy tale I have ever experienced, and the same goes for most of my un-happily married friends that think, by staying with the man that beats you, life will suddenly turn out wonderful.

Don't misunderstand me, I am grateful for the things I have and the relations I have managed to develop over the years, the ones I can say that have held the test of time. (without funerals involved). I still care deeply for everyone of my ex partners, and tell myself that maybe I am just to much of a whirlwind for them to hold onto for long... At least that's my lie I tell myself.

So, I wonder I suppose if we are getting smarter or dumber. If Mrs. Obama can tell kids "Just say No to dessert" instead of Mrs. Reagen telling kids "Just say No to drugs" where has it put us as a society? When did we become so stupid? And when did dessert become a bad thing? The older I get the more confused I get. Kids are suppose to play outside and break the neighbors windows with baseballs (accidentally) Dessert is supposed to be a wonderful thing that comes once a day (if they are lucky) Drugs are bad and for degenerates, so is beer..... I wonder what world I grew up in that has changed so quickly.

I would absolutely love to know who came up with the lies we are all still telling ourselves. But whomever did is most likely dead anyway. I kind of wish I could say my parents or grandparents, but I am living exactly the way they taught me to, believe in true love, people have good hearts and will help you, politicians never lie, you can always trust a police man... The list goes on and on. So maybe it's Walt Disney's fault. Someone give me a heads up so I can prepare for the magic when Mickey Mouse starts to build the Yellow Brick Road.

My Morning Empowerment exercise! Click here!